I’ve thought about writing this post for weeks now. Dreamed about how I would start it, brainstormed what the title should be and poured over what I would say, yet even still, I sit here on my bed, listening to raindrops pitter patter on my bedroom window at a loss for words. The wind is blowing, the trees are moving and the world seems quiet and still, even if only for a minute. There’s so much that I need to say and for once, the words just don’t seem to be flowing. If you read my blog posts religiously or have stopped by to marvel at my musings in the past, you know that I have a love affair with words. Writing is the best way I know how to express myself. Aside from running, it is one of the things that makes me feel really, truly alive and whole. You may wonder, if I love writing so much, why have I been so silent? Well, herein lies what I’ve been avoiding all along; the truth. Just days after my last post my world turned upside-down. My grandfather’s health took a turn for the worse. After being hospitalized for a week he returned home to receive hospice care and lost his battle with cancer on September 16th, 2015. As I sit here and type those words, I look around me and I can’t believe that the world is still turning. Tears are pouring down my face and I think back to moment when we got the call that he was gone. I woke up earlier than my alarm and it was almost as if I knew, I truly could sense that something wasn’t right. When the phone rang early in the morning and I saw my aunt’s phone number pop up on caller ID, I knew. This was it. His time here on earth had come to an end, he was really gone. I thought about the afternoon prior, my last moment with him. It was just the two of us, and I had went to his bedside to tell him I was going home and that I would see him tomorrow, only tomorrow never came. I said “goodbye Grandpa, I’ll see you tomorrow,” but his eyes were closed. To be clear I followed with “it’s Kaitlin.” When I said my name he opened up his eyes and smiled at me. I’m so grateful that I have that last image of his beautiful eyes.
To say that my grandfather was the greatest man I will ever know would be an understatement. I am honored to have been able to call him mine for the last 25 years. He was the kindest man, with most gentle nature. He would have done anything for his family, and he lived each and every day with a purity in his heart unlike that of anyone I’ve ever known. At his wake, one of his friends from the community told my cousin and I that whenever the men would sit around and gossip or bad mouth someone that my grandfather would always be the one person to defend whoever was their target for the day. This man also told us that our grandfather was the greatest man he had ever known. Seeing people pour into the funeral home to honor him was both humbling and sad. It reminded me just how much he left behind. To my grandfather: WWII veteran, Dominick J. Serio, I love you and I miss you each and everyday. I will never stop trying to make you proud.
My favorite guys!
I spent the days leading up to my grandfather’s death stressing about not being able to post on the blog, until finally I completely stopped caring. The wake and funeral came and went, but by October I had lost all motivation to write and I felt a total loss of my creative energy. With the stress of my grandfather’s death and the weight of my sister’s upcoming wedding, the blog was the last thing I could possibly care about. I couldn’t waste a single bit of my energy thinking about not posting. I thought about deleting it completely. In my mind, I had failed. I spent hours, days and weeks working on this thing and getting it off the ground and by letting it fall by the wayside I felt like a complete waste of life. I felt not good enough and I wanted this blog gone. By letting my baby disappear into the world wide web I wouldn’t have to think of it as a failure. If it didn’t exist anymore, I wouldn’t have to care about not posting on it. I wouldn’t feel like such an underachiever. Luckily, part of me wasn’t ready to let go just yet.
All smiles with the most beautiful bride!
My sister married the love of her life on October 10th, 2015 and it was a magical day filled with love, dancing, dinner and of course, drinks. Our family was still in mourning, and there were many tears shed over the loss of our gramps that day, but the happy tears far outweighed the sad ones, and together we got through. I spent the weekends following the wedding getting drunk off prosecco in city bars until 4am with my best friends. It was easier to stay out late and have fun than to stay home and think about our loss, this blog, and well, life. Yet I knew in my heart of hearts that I had to write this post and explain where my head has been for the last two months. Writing is the best way I know how to express myself, and even in the darkest of times, I always know that eventually I’ll find my voice again. I look forward to the future of HOME, but as of now I’m no longer putting the pressure on myself that I did before. I started this blog as a hobby, as a way to share my voice with the world, and as a creative outlet. Most importantly, I started this blog for fun. When I was going through a rough time and lost my voice, the last thing I wanted to feel was pressure. You may have noticed that I have deleted my social media accounts connected to the blog. I have done this as a way to make this blog fun for me again. I no longer want to feel stressed about likes, follows or posting schedules, but rather I want my blog to be free flowing and a reflection of where my life is at any given point in time. If you want more heaps of me, you can follow me on my personal instagram account. As always, thank you for reading, it means more to me than I can truly put into words. Xx